What Has 2020 Made Me Do With My Life?
“I came back home to the Philippines”
Wait! That didn’t happen in 2020. Sorry, that wasn’t the answer yet.
I never thought I would ever want to write about 2020, but coming back home to the Philippines led me to it.
To start in a lighter note, there were no special plans on what to do other than be home. Things were pretty hectic prior to my flight back to the Philippines, and my budget was really tight. No matter what, I wanted to be home.
Coming back home made me remember of that one (1) year that I couldn’t get back home. I guess it’s quite obvious because of the title. Yes. It was in 2020.
(Note: This isn't a fun story, but this was a real situation I was once in. My goal in sharing this is to hopefully inspire people who may be in such similar circumstances)
Let the story begin…
Before the global lockdown in 2020, ever since I started working, I was living in another city in the Philippines far away from my hometown. I was hustling in Manila, trying to find better opportunities. Then early 2020, I became very active in job applications.
Everything seemed to be going so well when 2020 started. I was invited to several job interviews and most were progressing well.
My short-term contract at work ended in February 2020. I had a few jobs application that was advancing, but in all honesty, I wasn’t prepared to stop working. I had no savings, but many debts.
It was a very difficult financial situation I was in due to many personal reasons and wrong decisions I’ve made in my life. A week without work will mean I won’t have money for food the following week.
Despite the tough situation, I was actually optimistic before. I bought a second-hand laptop using the last money I got, in the hope to find a work-from-home job, or at least use it for job hunting.
At that time, I was open to applying to any overseas job too. This was my plan because I was in a very bad financial situation, and I thought working abroad will give me the opportunity to earn more and pay back my debt much faster.
ALSO READ: POV Of A First Time International Traveler [OFW Abroad Experience]
As I always do, I make sure to set some time to be back home to see my parents and my brother every year. I usually come home during the summer since it’s school break. That means I have more time to bond with my brother, and it’s also a great time to plan some summer outings if possible.
I was lucky to get a promo flight ticket to my hometown in April 2020 so I was looking forward to it. Cutting the story short, that flight was moved.
Okay, at least it wasn’t canceled. That’s what I thought. But…
"Duterte said the lockdown will begin on March 15 and last until April 14. [Source: Rappler]
2020 Lockdown happened
I can’t forget the week before this lockdown. I asked my mom if I should just come back home and take the bus, instead of being locked down far away from them.
My mom said I better stay for now since the lockdown was only for a month. That said, I stayed where I was at. Since my house has no television or internet connection, I decided to buy a small antenna device to be able to watch TV (especially news) from my tablet. How would I survive a month of being locked down without any entertainment?
To make the long story short, which all of us know, that lockdown didn’t last for a month. Such a painful memory for me…
(I feel like that was just the intro hahaha)
It was lockdown time, and I was there inside the four corners of my small house during the hot summer season. I usually sit on the old sofa bed, watching the news from my tablet connected to that small antenna device.
The news is always about the increasing numbers of people being infected with the COVID virus. The thought of stepping outside the house and interacting with other people became something worrisome.
2020 made everyone cautious about who to interact with. I remember that it’s better to think that you’re a virus carrier yourself at that time. That way, you will practically distance yourself from other people in order to protect them.
I have no job, no savings, far from my home, nothing but debts. Everyone is struggling. Because of my situation, I learned to be more “madiskarte” (resourceful).
I took advantage of the summer heat by selling AC
It was summer at that time, with crazy high temperatures and I thought, why not sell AC (Airconditioner)?
I looked for an appliance shop online and tried to message them if I could sell their products for a commission and I luckily found one. They allowed me to promote their products online, and I think my timing was just perfect then because I closed quite a lot of deals that the boss gave an extra bonus. Yay! I was also amazed by that.
Sadly, that high sale momentum didn’t last long. Maybe 2 weeks? After that, I didn’t have any success in selling their products, which equates to not earning any money.
I see my phone loaded with many text messages about my due dates to pay. I wasn’t trying to avoid paying any of them at all, but I just really have nothing to pay. It pains me as I remember those moments in 2020.
Every day, someone from any collection agency will call me, from day to night, threatening me for being unable to pay.
During the first few months of the lockdown, I still got myself some side income which was enough to get some food. Occasionally, I get to speak with my family and I tell them I was doing fine. It was true though. For as long as I can get by from day to day, I thought I was just fine.
From selling ACs, I thought I need to find something else to sell. I found a rice and egg supplier and started selling rice and eggs. At that time, only essentials like food can move around. I borrowed money from my parents to use as the capital. (I’m truly grateful for them and I love them so much) I know they were also having a difficult time, but they still sent me money.
Even claiming the money from Palawan Express Padala was way too difficult during the pandemic. I had to walk about 5.6km to just pick it up. There was no public transportation at that time, and hailing a private one will cost a lot of money.
I still remembered walking on scorching hot days, so I had to stop from time to time and it took me longer to get there. When I arrived, there was a very long queue and everything was slower at that time.
I started a small business in 2020 from home
Few days later, I finally got to start this small business within the community I lived in.
At first, the sale was great because I was the pioneer. Until everyone seems to be selling the same thing.
This is one hard and sad truth when it comes to starting a business. There will be a lot of competition. I was only making small penny in each sale, and it couldn’t match the effort and energy.
I reached the point that I have to sell the products at a very low price even below the supplier price, because I don’t want the products to get spoiled. It lasted about two (3) months and I could no longer continue.
It was really challenging, but I still have a small hope left. I also have sold face masks, internet subscriptions, snacks, random household things, running errands for others, worked as a nanny, etc. I’ve done a lot, but despite that, I see no progress.
A lot more various side hustles. Too many to tell, but one thing is, I honestly hated some instances of my life at this time (in the sense that I felt like I lost my dignity then).
My debts were just increasing because of the interest and late fees. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but mine.
It was the point in my life that I do not care anymore. I didn’t see any hope for me and I self pitied myself.
The “ayuda” helped me survived
I live in a 20 square meter house, where the living room, is also the kitchen, and also the bedroom, it was all of it, I was stuck inside. It came to a point where I just have to wait for “Ayuda” (help) to come, which are food packs from the local government or people with a big heart (Thank you to all of you). I know the government also gave some cash allowances at that time, but I wasn’t lucky to get one.
It was a tough time for me. One day, a long-time friend contacted me for the first time in a long time and sent me 1000 pesos. This friend didn’t say anything at all, but just offered to send me the money. I was very grateful and made sure to put the money in good use.
As a last resort, I thought, I’ll use that money to apply for an internet connection to find some online jobs at least. They took a month to activate my internet because of the pandemic. All that I was able to accomplish during that period was to update my resume.
I was eager to find a WFH (work-from-home) job
During this time, many companies were offering work-from-home jobs because of limited mobility. I submitted quite a lot of job applications and they were progressing to interviews.
So, it’s good, isn’t it? But sadly, no.
I remembered so many instances when I dressed up and waited in Zoom or Google Meet for the interviewer. However, no one will come to that interview, and no message, no notification, or emails at all. I have no idea what happened, but okay, moved on.
Of course, not all interviews were like that. Some showed up, but when they learn that I was living outside the NCR (National Capital Region), they won’t offer me the job because of the distance from the office. They may have overlooked it when I applied, so we still have reached the interview.
All right, still, I just moved on.
I focused on finding a job that offers more flexibility, and I did find a few then. It seems to be going well as I finally got one who already discussed my start date, my salary, my training schedule, and the equipment I would be needing.
I had to upgrade the RAM of my old laptop, which is something I can manage. I sold some of my things at home to get some cash for that upgrade.
Yes, I was ready and excited! Finally, there’s something to look forward to.
A day before my training date will commence, I received an email from this potential employer saying, “Our team was particularly impressed with your profile and we are very grateful to you for allowing us to learn about your skills and accomplishments. While we are thankful for the time you took, we decided to move forward with another candidate.“
I was shocked.
My excitement went down the drain. I didn’t understand what just happened. But then, I politely replied and thanked them for the notice.
Nothing was working out.
I almost gave up…
The longer the lockdown was, the more lonely I become. I can’t step out. There were local police patrolling, and I’ll get penalized if I do so. Inside this small house was a mess which was me. It sounds funny, but I no longer bathe or care for myself. I hate changing clothes because I hated myself. I don’t eat, aside from there being nothing to eat, I just lose my enthusiasm to find a way to live.
Though I was scared to die, I felt like there was no other way out.
My insecurity was killing me. I disliked myself a lot. I blamed my educational attainment, my work experiences, my skills, and just everything in my resume.
In my mind, everything I put in there had no value. I wasn’t valuable. Was I not worthy to be hired? I was someone drowning in heavy debts, penniless, jobless, worthless, and all possible negative “less” out there.
My time was worth nothing. Nothing that I do returns something positive. This is when I felt like I lost my dignity. I was getting sick of everything. I cried many, many times; I don’t want people to see me, and I do not recognize myself. It was the worst.
What was going on? I lost track of time. There seems to be no clock anymore. I don’t remember the time I woke up to the time I sleep. I was just there laying down in my bunk bed.
Were there any thoughts running through my mind then? I don’t know, or if was I just blankly staring at my walls or the second layer of the bunk bed.
Frankly, this is the first time I'm sharing this publicly. I never wanted my parents to worry about me. (If possible, I still don't want them to see this but that may be inevitable now…)
If you are reading up until this point, thank you so much and I’m sorry for making you feel sad.
But hey! I conquered 2020!
The truth is, I never wanted to spread negativity and I was contemplating if I should share this story of mine. But you know, I believed what happened in 2020 should be shared, to learn from it and to appreciate the positive things even more.
If not because of what happened to me, would I be able to understand the feeling of having nothing? Would I be able to appreciate all the beautiful things around me?
In words, I could perhaps say, yes. But I will not have the opportunity to have a deeper understanding and appreciation of the positive things around me.
All those that happened to me in 2020, I survived. It wasn’t because of me, no, I was a failure.
It was because God is always gracious. When I think about those times now, I can’t help but be amazed at how I managed to live with nothing.
God was there, He let me live. There is a song that I relate so much to what happened to me then. It’s Grace by Laura Story.
(The video isn’t mine. Credit to the owner)
The rejections, anxiety, depression, and negative thoughts are all painful. Those pains were overturned to a greater purpose.
If I will write about what else happened in 2020, this post will definitely get longer. But I think what I shared above was enough to show God’s grace in my life.
I truly believed all those things happened for one reason, God wants me to realize He was greater than everything in life. The year 2020 was difficult, for most of us, but taught many valuable lessons for us to move forward in life.
In 2021, God brought me to Malaysia.
I became an OFW, the reason this blog post was born. As I mentioned in my first line, “I came back home to the Philippines“.
I hope to continue to share what I learned in my life and I’d be delighted to have you in my journey.
I wanted to end this blog by saying, though life isn’t always positive, it isn’t always negative either. A better day is coming my friend!